Champion Dogs
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Fun StuffDog poems, stories & funnies This is a collection of some of my favourite dog related poems, stories and funny tales. Pull up a chair, get a cup of tea and relax for a while with your favourite pet as you read them.
 Memo to your pet:
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way. 3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. 4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball. So it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. 5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. 6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years.. canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. 7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chewtoy, bone or jingleball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh. 8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it. 9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history. 10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Why Own a Dog?
Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow. There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger. While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger. One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny. The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey. The fifth one's delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a houseful of ease. So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy but, oh, Lord the hair! With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother, you've said. They're really no trouble, their manners are great. What's one more dog and just one more crate? The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty, The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty. The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care? Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair? So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room, And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom. There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add, The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad. Each one is so special, so useful, so funny. The vet and food bills grows larger, you owe BIG money. Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay, Except other "dog folks" who live the same way. Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too, But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew. There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots. And entries and travel and motels which cost lots. Is it worth it you wonder? Are you caught in a trap? Then that favorite one comes and climbs in your lap. His look says you're special and you know that you will Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill. Some just for showing and some just to breed. And some just for loving, they all fill a need. God, winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too. But they must have their walks though they're numb and your blue. Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out. The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills, The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills. The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life. They're charming and funny and offset the strife. Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same. Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game. Unknown Poet
How do you know when you have too many dogs?
When you have more grass in your driveway than in your backyard.
When your neighbors find ANY dog running loose and automatically bring it to your house. When you want to watch TV and you have to sit on the floor because all of the furniture is "occupied". When it takes you longer to wash your dogs' dishes than your own. When you have to use a wash tub for a water dish. When you have to run an obstacle course to get to the phone. When you see one of your dogs doing something bad like chewing something up or leaving a "dog deposit" on the rug) and you have to run through the entire list of dogs' names in order to yell at the right one and by then it is too late. When the Hazmat team comes to your house on trash day to handle the "deposits" that you have placed in your trash can. When you have all of your dogs in the back seat of your car and it automatically changes lanes when they move to the other side of the car. When you NEVER go anywhere for a vacation because it costs more to kennel your dogs than to go to Hawaii. When you have an extension on your king-sized bed so you all fit. When Iams/Eukanuba/Nutro makes home deliveries. When you move your bedroom into the garage and put a king and queen-sized bed together so all of your dogs can sleep with you. When you can't remember all of your dogs' names and just call them Baby and Pup-Pup. When you take your dogs for a run in the park and people think it is a dog show (more like a 3-ring circus!) You know your veterinarian's phone number by heart and have your own file drawer. Your veterinarian drives a Porsche, you drive a used van and you paid for both! -- Author Unknown
I AM YOUR PUPPY I am your Puppy, and I will love you until the end of the Earth, but please know a few things about me. I am a Puppy, this means that my intelligence and capacity for learning are the same as an 8-month-old child. I am a Puppy; I will chew EVERYTHING I can get my teeth on. This is how I explore and learn about the world. Even HUMAN children put things in their mouths. It's up to you to guide me to what is mine to chew and what is not. I am a Puppy; I cannot hold my bladder for longer than 1 - 2 hours. I cannot "feel" that I need to poop until it is actually beginning to come out. I cannot vocalize nor tell you that I need to go, and I cannot have "bladder and bowel control" until 6 - 9 months. Do not punish me if you have not let me out for 3 hours and I tinkle. It is your fault. As a Puppy, it is wise to remember that I NEED to go potty after: Eating, Sleeping, playing, Drinking and around every 2 - 3 hours in addition. If you want me to sleep through the night, then do not give me water after 7 or 8 p.m. A crate will help me learn to housebreak easier, and will avoid you being mad at me. I am a Puppy, accidents WILL happen, please be patient with me! In time I will learn. I am a Puppy, I like to play. I will run around, and chase imaginary monsters, and chase your feet and your toes and 'attack' you, and chase fuzzballs, other pets, and small kids. It is play; it's what I do. Do not be mad at me or expect me to be sedate, mellow and sleep all day. If my high energy level is too much for you, maybe you could consider an older rescue from a shelter or Rescue group. My play is beneficial, use your wisdom to guide me in my play with appropriate toys, and activities like chasing a rolling ball, or gentle tug games, or plenty of chew toys for me. If I nip you too hard, talk to me in "dog talk", by giving a loud YELP, I will usually get the message, as this is how dogs communicate with one another. If I get too rough, simply ignore me for a few moments, or put me in my crate with an appropriate chew toy. I am a Puppy; hopefully you would not yell, hit, strike, kick or beat a 6-month-old human infant, so please do not do the same to me. I am delicate, and also very impressionable. If you treat me harshly now, I will grow up learning to fear being hit, spanked, kicked or beat. Instead, please guide me with encouragement and wisdom. For instance, if I am chewing something wrong, say, "No chew!" and hand me a toy I CAN chew. Better yet, pick up ANYTHING that you do not want me to get into. I can't tell the difference between your old sock and your new sock, or an old sneaker and your $200 Nikes. I am a Puppy, and I am a creature with feelings and drives much like your own, but yet also very different. Although I am NOT a human in a dog suit, neither am I an unfeeling robot who can instantly obey your every whim. I truly DO want to please you, and be a part of your family, and your life. You got me (I hope) because you want a loving partner and companion, so do not relegate me to the backyard when I get bigger, do not judge me harshly but instead mold me with gentleness and guidelines and training into the kind of family member you want me to be. I am a Puppy and I am not perfect, and I know you are not perfect either. I love you anyway. So please, learn all you can about training, and puppy behaviors and caring for me from your veterinarian, books on dog care and even researching on the computer! Learn about my particular breed and it's "characteristics", it will give you understanding and insight into WHY I do all the things I do. Please teach me with love, patience, the right way to behave and socialize me with training in a puppy class or obedience class, we will BOTH have a lot of fun together. I am a Puppy and I want more than anything to love you, to be with you, and to please you. Won't you please take time to understand how I work? We are the same you and I, in that we both feel hunger, pain, thirst, discomfort, fear, but yet we are also very different and must work to understand one anther's language, body signals, wants and needs. Some day I will be a handsome dog, hopefully one you can be proud of and one that you will love as much as I love you. Love, Your Puppy
Here in this house...
I will never know the loneliness I hear in the barks of the other dogs 'out there'. I can sleep soundly, assured that when I wake my world will not have changed. I will never know hunger, or the fear of not knowing if I'll eat. I will not shiver in the cold, or grow weary from the heat. I will feel the sun's heat, and the rain's coolness, and be allowed to smell all that can reach my nose. My fur will shine, and never be dirty or matted. Here in this house... There will be an effort to communicate with me on my level. I will be talked to and, even if I don't understand, I can enjoy the warmth of the words. I will be given a name so that I may know who I am among many. My name will be used in joy, and I will love the sound of it! Here in this house... I will never be a substitute for anything I am not. I will never be used to improve peoples' images of themselves. I will be loved because I am who I am, not someones idea of who I should be. I will never suffer for someones anger, impatience, or stupidity. I will be taught all the things I need to know to be loved by all. If I do not learn my lessons well, they will look to my teacher for blame. Here in this house... I can trust arms that hold, hands that touch... knowing that, no matter what they do, they do it for the good of me. If I am ill, I will be doctored. If scared, I will be calmed. If sad, I will be cheered. No matter what I look like, I will be considered beautiful and known to be of value. I will never be cast out because I am too old, too ill, too unruly, or not cute enough. My life is a responsibility, and not an afterthought. I will learn that humans can almost, sometimes, be as kind and as fair as dogs. Here in this house... I will belong. I will be home. Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. New Dog Breeds: Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog - Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu - Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Excerpts from a dog's diary Day number 180 8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite! 10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite! 12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite! 4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum's home! My favourite! Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite! 10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite! 12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite! 4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum! My favourite! But it is not all like this... Day number 182 8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite! 10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite! 12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite! 1:30 pm - OH NO! BATH ... HATE IT! 4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum's home! My favourite! And now Excerpts from a Cat's Diary. .. Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not very bright. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................ A Dogs 10 Commandments: 1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being. 4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainments, but I have only you. 5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me. 6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it. 7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you. 8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak. 9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old. 10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can’t bear to watch. Don’t make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.
I will lend to you for awhile a puppy, God said, He’ll bring his charms to gladden you I’ve looked the whole world over I fancied that I heard them say, But should I call him back - Author Unknown
It is said that when animals die they don’t go to heaven, they go to the Rainbow Bridge where they wait for their owners. The area around the Rainbow Bridge is sunny, warm but not too warm, flowers, grass and all the animals have been restored to a youthful healthy state. On one particular day it was unlike most days at Rainbow Bridge, this day dawned cold and gray, damp as a swamp and as dismal as could be imagined. All of the recent arrivals had no idea what to think, as they had never experienced a day like this before. But the animals who had been waiting for their beloved people knew exactly what was going on and started to gather at the pathway leading to The Bridge to watch. It wasn’t long before an elderly dog came into view, head hung low and tail dragging. The other animals, the ones who had been there for a while, knew what his story was right away, for they had seen this happen far too often. He approached slowly, obviously in great emotional pain, but with no sign of injury or illness. Unlike all of the other animals waiting at The Bridge, this animal had not been restored to youth and made healthy and vigorous again! As he walked toward The Bridge, he watched all of the other animals watching him. He knew he was out of place here and the sooner he could cross over, the happier he would be. But, alas, as he approached The Bridge, his way was barred by the appearance of an Angel who apologized, but told him that he would not be able to pass. Only those animals who were with their people could pass over Rainbow Bridge. With no place else to turn to, the elderly animal turned towards the fields before The Bridge and saw a group of other animals like himself, also elderly. They weren’t playing, but rather simply lying on the green grass, forlornly staring out at the pathway leading to The Bridge. And so, he took his place among them, watching the pathway and waiting. One of the newest arrivals at The Bridge didn’t understand what he had just witnessed and asked one of the animals that had been there for a while to explain it to him. “You see, that poor animal was abanonded by his owners. He was turned into a shelter just as you see him now, an older animal with his fur graying and his eyes clouding. He never made it out of the shelter and passed on. Because he had no family to give his love to, he has no one to escort him across The Bridge. ” The first animal thought about this for a minute and then asked, “So what will happen now?” As he was about to receive his answer, the clouds suddenly parted and the gloom lifted. Approaching The Bridge could be seen a single person and among the older animals, a whole group was suddenly bathed in a golden light and they were all young and healthy again, just as they were in the prime of life. “Watch, and see” said the second animal. A second group of animals from those waiting came to the pathway and bowed low as the person neared. At each bowed head, the person offered a pat on the head or a scratch behind the ears. The newly restored animals fell into line and followed him towards The Bridge. They all crossed The Bridge together. “What happened?” “That was a rescuer. The animals you saw bowing in respect were those who found new homes because of his work. They will cross when their new families arrive. Those you saw restored were those who never found homes. When a rescuer arrives, they are allowed to perform one, final act of rescue. They are allowed to escort those poor animals that they couldn’t place on earth, across The Rainbow Bridge. ” “I think I like rescuers,” said the first animal. “So does GOD,” was the reply.
And God Created the Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog. On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest......but He had to walk the dog. --unknown
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets:
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased . ... . .. . . And Dog was happy. . . . . And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.... Heaven or Hell?
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. after a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir" the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets". The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to his dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven." he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said "the man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." Dog Joke - How many dogs does it take to......
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shih-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
The difference between dogs and men:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. How dogs and men are the same : 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Neither does any dishes. 7. Both fart shamelessly. 8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 9. Both like dominance games. 10. Both are suspicious of the postman. 11. Neither understands what you see in cats. |
